You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize