Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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