She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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