I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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