apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
