Do you still have your period?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
