i just sent this text using only my big toe
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
