my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
