I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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