My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
