"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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