i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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