So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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