btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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