I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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