I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
