The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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