Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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