hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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