I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
