meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
