Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
