So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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