I'm eating all of the evidence.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize