Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
