I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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