When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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