I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
