and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
third nipple confirmed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
