Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
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