it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
