It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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