I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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