Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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