I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
