a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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