hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
