shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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