I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
