If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
