Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
