He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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