So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
