He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
