i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
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