I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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