Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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