you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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