It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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