Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize