Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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