My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
