This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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