i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need to stop coming to work sober
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
