jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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