he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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