i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
