Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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