i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
